Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Our third Baby

On September 18th, David and I found out that I was pregnant with our third baby.  On October 30th, I found out that the baby had died and that I was having a miscarriage.

I wasn't sure if I would want to or could write a blog post about this.  However, I don't know how to carry on with this blog if I don't write about our third baby.  This blog has grown from a way to share pictures of Eliana with my family to basically an online journal for me.  Most of my posts are happy, sharing the joys of our life and silly pictures.  But the thought of posting another entry that was carefree and light without saying something of the pain that we are going through was too hard to conceive.  So I promise more pictures of our adorable children are on their way (I'm no dummy, I know that's why you read my blog - the shear cuteness of Eliana and William).  But I also know that if you read my blog, you love my family, so I must share my heart with you.

Two notes before I begin.  First, this is an entry about miscarriage and is emotional and very personal.  It might be hard to read.  It was hard to write.  Second, because I lost the baby so early, we do not know his or her sex. But from early in my pregnancy I felt that this baby was a girl.  It is easier and more comforting for me to refer to the baby as a girl, even though we will not truly know if this is so until one day when we meet in heaven.

David and I were not really expecting for me to get pregnant when I did.  We tried for 5 months to get pregnant before Eliana came along, and it took 6 months for William.  So this pregnancy came as a bit of a surprise even though we were both open to whatever God had planned for our family.  When we calculated my due date to be May 30th, we both felt anxious about how close this baby would be born to when David would be starting fellowship the first of July.  We were not unhappy about the pregnancy but at least for me it took a little bit of time to grow into the joy of the new life inside of me.  I reflected on a particular bible verse at this time.  It is from the book of Genesis, the story of Jacob and Esau's reconciliation.  After being apart for many, many years, the first time Esau saw Jacob's large family, he asked "Whose children are these?" Jacob replied "The children whom God has graciously given your servant."  (Gen 33:5)  That is what I thought of our three children - God had graciously given them to me.  Maybe the timing wasn't quite as I had pictured, but this third baby was God given.

Early on in the pregnancy I was having some spotting.  David was a bit worried, but I kept saying it was fine.  Light spotting is normal in pregnancy.  We were anxiously waiting for our first ultrasound, scheduled on 11/2 at 10 weeks.  We didn't share our news with many people because I wanted to have the ultrasound first, mostly to confirm the due date.  On Wednesday 10/28, I had some cramping and lower back pain at work, but I attributed it to being on my feet all day and not drinking enough water.  David was very nervous.  I felt like something wasn't right with this pregnancy but I kept thinking, I am still having nausea so I know I am still pregnant (what a cruel joke).  I just wanted to see the baby on ultrasound the next Monday.  On Thursday David flew to Washington D.C. for his last fellowship interview.  He had asked me the night before if he should cancel it, but I told him no, I was fine.  Thursday night I had more, heavier spotting.  I laid awake all Thursday night, thinking about the baby, feeling certain I was losing the baby and completely helpless to stop it.  I tried to pray but couldn't.  Friday morning I called my mom, dropped the kids off at a friend's house, and went to my OB's office.  One of the doctors in the practice (not my OB) did an ultrasound which confirmed I had been pregnant but the baby was not visible.  She had died early on in the pregnancy and had not developed to the point that she could be seen.  I was supposed to be 9 weeks and 5 days, but she was probably gone before 6 weeks.  I called David after his interview and he flew home that night.  We were both heartbroken.

I was not prepared for what I would go through with a miscarriage.  The doctor told me it would be like a heavy period, lasting about a week.  However, I would compare it more closely to having a small labor and birth.  (A miscarriage is different for different women, and it also depends on how far along you are when the loss happens.)  Physically I felt fine at first.  Then on Monday afternoon, I had cramping so bad that I could not stand up.  I couldn't pick William up from his crib after his nap.  I texted David and told him to come home from work.  I started bleeding so much I couldn't leave the bathroom.  I called the OB again, who told me to go to the ER.  In the ER, it was confirmed that yes, I was in fact having a miscarriage (already knew that...) and that this was not unexpected for a miscarriage.  After several hours of pain and bleeding, everything slowed down and I was able to go home.  The next day I experienced a similar bout of pain and bleeding.  This time was not so scary because I knew to expect it.  The OB had given me some medicine to take to help my uterus to contract.  I felt very certain this time that I had passed most of what was left of our baby, and the pain and bleeding subsided after that.

Emotionally, I felt a lot of guilt.  I felt so guilty that I was not excited about this pregnancy at first.  That somehow I had willed this miscarriage because I did not love my baby enough.  I know this is not true, but I couldn't help but feel this way.  I also feel extreme guilt that I was throwing our baby away.  There was no visible body to save and bury.  In some ways that was a relief, but in a lot of ways I wish that there had been so that I could have buried our baby with a proper funeral.  I had no idea how hard it would be to let our baby flow out of my body with no way to do anything.  As tiny, microscopic as she was, I still wanted to honor her little body, but I couldn't.

David and I have had much sadness and heartbreak over the loss of our baby.  She only lived a few short weeks, but she existed.  She was our baby.  She was a part of our family.  And she was very much loved.  We had told Eliana about the new baby.  She had named the baby "William 2."  I was looking forward to having three children so close together.  I pictured William growing up with this sibling and being best friends (they were only going to be 23 months apart).  I thought of what a wonderful big sister Eliana was going to be and how she would be a mini-mommy, always trying to carry the baby around and feed her bottles.  I thought of how much love and excitement this baby would add to our family.   David said he pictured that month he would have after the baby was born and before fellowship started.  The special time they would spend together before the craziness of fellowship, and the memories they would make together.

A day hasn't gone by yet that we haven't cried over the loss of our baby.  We keep saying "what if" and thinking about what our life would be like.  We think of this baby and how to honor her life.  We loved this little one so much. 

I saw my OB again last week and we talked for a long time, which was very helpful.  She told me that one in four pregnancies ends in a miscarriage (I had no idea!), and that it is the body's way of protecting us when something goes wrong.  There are a lot of things that have to line up correctly for a pregnancy to continue, and this is the way our bodies are designed.  That really made me realize how special my two children are and how blessed I am to have them. 

This was a tough time to go through this (not that any time would be a good time to have a miscarriage), but it was especially hard because everything happened while David was applying to, interviewing for, and deciding on his fellowship options.  Shortly after David applied for fellowship, we found out I was pregnant.  I was due at the end of May, just a month before he would start fellowship.  This really made him change how he was looking at the programs. He had already scheduled interviews with places like San Diego and Stanford.  He started to question if it would even be realistic to move there and start a new job with a brand new baby.  Then while he was interviewing with his last program, I had the miscarriage.  He missed some work, came home early most days, had to take me to the ER, and went through an emotional roller coaster with me all during the short time between when he had his last interview and when his rank list was due.  And now he could look at programs again without the extra consideration of how we could make it work with a brand new baby.  Suddenly, even though we didn't want it to be true, we could now realistically consider Stanford again.  Poor David.  How was he to make any kind of thoughtful decision with all this going on in his life?  David felt a little like he shouldn't rank programs high on his list that he won't have been able to do so with a new baby, because that was somehow dishonoring the life that we lost.  Almost like celebrating the fact that we weren't having a baby.  I felt a little like I wanted him to rank the far away programs higher, just so we could leave OSU and get away from this place next May when I would be missing the life we couldn't have.  We will find out December 2nd where he has matched.

So that's been my life the last two and a half weeks.  I have gone back to work and things are settling down at home.  I think me being "sick" for a few weeks was very hard on Eliana.  She didn't quite know what was going on, and started to act out, throwing tantrums and peeing her pants several times even though she is potty trained.  I've tried to spend extra time with her and the last few days her behavior has been better.  I told Eliana that the baby died and went to heaven.  She doesn't exactly understand what that means and asks lots of questions about heaven, like when will she go to heaven, why did God want the baby to die, and can we just visit the baby in heaven and come back.  She also tells me that she wants our next baby to come to our house and not go to heaven.  I have found it hard to know exactly what to say to her.  How do I explain what heaven is to an almost 4 year old?  How can I explain theology to her when I don't know exactly myself?  William, our sweet little guy, is his regular happy-go-lucky self.  None of this has seemed to affected him much.  He is walking now, and toddles all over the house.  As I watch him walk around, I smile to think how much he has grown.  But I am also sad because I can picture our third baby, and how she will never chase him around the house.  

Please keep our family in your prayers.