Our third Baby

On September 18th, David and I found out that I was pregnant with our third baby.  On October 30th, I found out that the baby had died and that I was having a miscarriage.

I wasn't sure if I would want to or could write a blog post about this.  However, I don't know how to carry on with this blog if I don't write about our third baby.  This blog has grown from a way to share pictures of Eliana with my family to basically an online journal for me.  Most of my posts are happy, sharing the joys of our life and silly pictures.  But the thought of posting another entry that was carefree and light without saying something of the pain that we are going through was too hard to conceive.  So I promise more pictures of our adorable children are on their way (I'm no dummy, I know that's why you read my blog - the shear cuteness of Eliana and William).  But I also know that if you read my blog, you love my family, so I must share my heart with you.

Two notes before I begin.  First, this is an entry about miscarriage and is emotional and very personal.  It might be hard to read.  It was hard to write.  Second, because I lost the baby so early, we do not know his or her sex. But from early in my pregnancy I felt that this baby was a girl.  It is easier and more comforting for me to refer to the baby as a girl, even though we will not truly know if this is so until one day when we meet in heaven.

David and I were not really expecting for me to get pregnant when I did.  We tried for 5 months to get pregnant before Eliana came along, and it took 6 months for William.  So this pregnancy came as a bit of a surprise even though we were both open to whatever God had planned for our family.  When we calculated my due date to be May 30th, we both felt anxious about how close this baby would be born to when David would be starting fellowship the first of July.  We were not unhappy about the pregnancy but at least for me it took a little bit of time to grow into the joy of the new life inside of me.  I reflected on a particular bible verse at this time.  It is from the book of Genesis, the story of Jacob and Esau's reconciliation.  After being apart for many, many years, the first time Esau saw Jacob's large family, he asked "Whose children are these?" Jacob replied "The children whom God has graciously given your servant."  (Gen 33:5)  That is what I thought of our three children - God had graciously given them to me.  Maybe the timing wasn't quite as I had pictured, but this third baby was God given.

Early on in the pregnancy I was having some spotting.  David was a bit worried, but I kept saying it was fine.  Light spotting is normal in pregnancy.  We were anxiously waiting for our first ultrasound, scheduled on 11/2 at 10 weeks.  We didn't share our news with many people because I wanted to have the ultrasound first, mostly to confirm the due date.  On Wednesday 10/28, I had some cramping and lower back pain at work, but I attributed it to being on my feet all day and not drinking enough water.  David was very nervous.  I felt like something wasn't right with this pregnancy but I kept thinking, I am still having nausea so I know I am still pregnant (what a cruel joke).  I just wanted to see the baby on ultrasound the next Monday.  On Thursday David flew to Washington D.C. for his last fellowship interview.  He had asked me the night before if he should cancel it, but I told him no, I was fine.  Thursday night I had more, heavier spotting.  I laid awake all Thursday night, thinking about the baby, feeling certain I was losing the baby and completely helpless to stop it.  I tried to pray but couldn't.  Friday morning I called my mom, dropped the kids off at a friend's house, and went to my OB's office.  One of the doctors in the practice (not my OB) did an ultrasound which confirmed I had been pregnant but the baby was not visible.  She had died early on in the pregnancy and had not developed to the point that she could be seen.  I was supposed to be 9 weeks and 5 days, but she was probably gone before 6 weeks.  I called David after his interview and he flew home that night.  We were both heartbroken.

I was not prepared for what I would go through with a miscarriage.  The doctor told me it would be like a heavy period, lasting about a week.  However, I would compare it more closely to having a small labor and birth.  (A miscarriage is different for different women, and it also depends on how far along you are when the loss happens.)  Physically I felt fine at first.  Then on Monday afternoon, I had cramping so bad that I could not stand up.  I couldn't pick William up from his crib after his nap.  I texted David and told him to come home from work.  I started bleeding so much I couldn't leave the bathroom.  I called the OB again, who told me to go to the ER.  In the ER, it was confirmed that yes, I was in fact having a miscarriage (already knew that...) and that this was not unexpected for a miscarriage.  After several hours of pain and bleeding, everything slowed down and I was able to go home.  The next day I experienced a similar bout of pain and bleeding.  This time was not so scary because I knew to expect it.  The OB had given me some medicine to take to help my uterus to contract.  I felt very certain this time that I had passed most of what was left of our baby, and the pain and bleeding subsided after that.

Emotionally, I felt a lot of guilt.  I felt so guilty that I was not excited about this pregnancy at first.  That somehow I had willed this miscarriage because I did not love my baby enough.  I know this is not true, but I couldn't help but feel this way.  I also feel extreme guilt that I was throwing our baby away.  There was no visible body to save and bury.  In some ways that was a relief, but in a lot of ways I wish that there had been so that I could have buried our baby with a proper funeral.  I had no idea how hard it would be to let our baby flow out of my body with no way to do anything.  As tiny, microscopic as she was, I still wanted to honor her little body, but I couldn't.

David and I have had much sadness and heartbreak over the loss of our baby.  She only lived a few short weeks, but she existed.  She was our baby.  She was a part of our family.  And she was very much loved.  We had told Eliana about the new baby.  She had named the baby "William 2."  I was looking forward to having three children so close together.  I pictured William growing up with this sibling and being best friends (they were only going to be 23 months apart).  I thought of what a wonderful big sister Eliana was going to be and how she would be a mini-mommy, always trying to carry the baby around and feed her bottles.  I thought of how much love and excitement this baby would add to our family.   David said he pictured that month he would have after the baby was born and before fellowship started.  The special time they would spend together before the craziness of fellowship, and the memories they would make together.

A day hasn't gone by yet that we haven't cried over the loss of our baby.  We keep saying "what if" and thinking about what our life would be like.  We think of this baby and how to honor her life.  We loved this little one so much. 

I saw my OB again last week and we talked for a long time, which was very helpful.  She told me that one in four pregnancies ends in a miscarriage (I had no idea!), and that it is the body's way of protecting us when something goes wrong.  There are a lot of things that have to line up correctly for a pregnancy to continue, and this is the way our bodies are designed.  That really made me realize how special my two children are and how blessed I am to have them. 

This was a tough time to go through this (not that any time would be a good time to have a miscarriage), but it was especially hard because everything happened while David was applying to, interviewing for, and deciding on his fellowship options.  Shortly after David applied for fellowship, we found out I was pregnant.  I was due at the end of May, just a month before he would start fellowship.  This really made him change how he was looking at the programs. He had already scheduled interviews with places like San Diego and Stanford.  He started to question if it would even be realistic to move there and start a new job with a brand new baby.  Then while he was interviewing with his last program, I had the miscarriage.  He missed some work, came home early most days, had to take me to the ER, and went through an emotional roller coaster with me all during the short time between when he had his last interview and when his rank list was due.  And now he could look at programs again without the extra consideration of how we could make it work with a brand new baby.  Suddenly, even though we didn't want it to be true, we could now realistically consider Stanford again.  Poor David.  How was he to make any kind of thoughtful decision with all this going on in his life?  David felt a little like he shouldn't rank programs high on his list that he won't have been able to do so with a new baby, because that was somehow dishonoring the life that we lost.  Almost like celebrating the fact that we weren't having a baby.  I felt a little like I wanted him to rank the far away programs higher, just so we could leave OSU and get away from this place next May when I would be missing the life we couldn't have.  We will find out December 2nd where he has matched.

So that's been my life the last two and a half weeks.  I have gone back to work and things are settling down at home.  I think me being "sick" for a few weeks was very hard on Eliana.  She didn't quite know what was going on, and started to act out, throwing tantrums and peeing her pants several times even though she is potty trained.  I've tried to spend extra time with her and the last few days her behavior has been better.  I told Eliana that the baby died and went to heaven.  She doesn't exactly understand what that means and asks lots of questions about heaven, like when will she go to heaven, why did God want the baby to die, and can we just visit the baby in heaven and come back.  She also tells me that she wants our next baby to come to our house and not go to heaven.  I have found it hard to know exactly what to say to her.  How do I explain what heaven is to an almost 4 year old?  How can I explain theology to her when I don't know exactly myself?  William, our sweet little guy, is his regular happy-go-lucky self.  None of this has seemed to affected him much.  He is walking now, and toddles all over the house.  As I watch him walk around, I smile to think how much he has grown.  But I am also sad because I can picture our third baby, and how she will never chase him around the house.  

Please keep our family in your prayers.  

Ann Arbor, MI

David is finishing up his fellowship interviews.  His last one is at the end of this week.  So from here, David will make his rank list of all the programs and submit it in early November.  We have done lots of talking about the pros and cons of each program and location. So far, we have a better idea of the bottom of the list instead of the top.  It is hard to say where we will be next year, as David has so many excellent choices in so many different places.  December 4th is Match Day, so we will find out then where David will do his fellowship!  Please keep us in your prayers that we will find the best place for our family and where God wants us to be for the next three to four years.
Earlier this month, David had an interview at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor.  This is where our friend Sean is doing his fellowship, so our whole family went to Ann Arbor to visit Sean, Angela, Theo, and Cora.  It was a bit of a crazy time.  Theo slept on his parents’ bedroom floor while we squeezed our whole family into Theo’s room.  Eliana had a great time torturing her brother while she was supposed to be sleeping by throwing blankets, toys, and diapers on him in his crib.  Once things finally got settled down for the night, we were able to get some sleep.  While David was at his interview and Sean was at work, Angela and I took the kids to a petting zoo not too far from their house.  We all had a great time!  The animals were definitely used to the system because they all came right up to the fence to grab some carrots as we walked around.  Cora did not like getting her hand slobbered by the goats, but the rest of the kids all enjoyed feeding carrots and petting the animals.  William’s favorite part was sitting on the tractor (which apparently he knows the word for – I didn’t even know he could say “tractor” until we got there!). He cried when I finally pulled him down, but was better once we went to visit the chickens. 
It was great to see Eliana and Theo play together again.  They were so good!  Playing mostly independently together, they came up with all sorts of silly games when we went to the playground after the petting zoo.  They collected a huge pile of twigs which they put under some playground equipment and called their “nest.” This game went on for a long time, until it was time to go.  We were sad to leave, but hopefully we will have the chance to visit again next month.  

Feeding carrots to the sheep.

William and Cora with the chickens.

Friends reunited!

Apple Picking

This if from a while ago, but I thought the pictures were too sweet not to post.  Back in September? earlier October? the kids and I went apple picking along with Adele and her family, and my brother, sister-in-law, and baby Claire.  The trees were full of fruit with lots of branches low to the ground.  Both kids loved grabbing apples and throwing them in our bag.  We picked 25lbs + of apples.  I had many great plans for these apples such as apple muffins and apple pie, but the only thing I made was applesauce.  Mostly we have just been eating the apples just as they are.  William loves to eat whole apples.  He usually only eats about a third of the apple but with so many pounds of apples, I don't mind a little waste.  He likes to take a big bite out of the apple, spit out the peel and then continue to eat the inside.  I've tried peeling the apple first to see if he would eat it that way, but that just makes him mad!  So bite, spit, eat is our main way of consuming apples. 

At the apple orchard, they also had a fall festival that including a play area for little kids, a petting zoo, several bounce houses, and a barrel ride.  William was too small to do most things, but Eliana loved the bounce houses!  William desperately wanted to join in on the jumping, but he had to settle for bouncing a little on the outside of the bounce house while we looked in the window at Eliana.  Maybe next year!  I did let him try out the barrel ride.  I put the kids together in one barrel and buckled them in.  William was really excited about the stirring wheel.  I told Eliana to watch out for William, and she put a protective arm around him.  All was going well until about halfway through the ride when William slid down the seat into the bottom of the barrel.  Eliana did not have the strength to pull him back up on the seat.  He was still safe - he was sitting on the floor of the barrel with the buckle now around his upper chest instead of his waist, but boy did he not like that!  Luckily another parent was nearby when it happened and kindly pulled him back up on the seat.  (The barrel ride traveled very slowly.)  Overall, they had fun but I guess technically William was a little small for that ride too.  We had a great time, and apple picking is always a must for fall activities. 

William and Eliana with their cousin Claire.

My sweeties.  William was quite expressive this trip, knowing how to say both "apple" and "ball," which is what he called the many apples that he saw.

Eliana and Adele dancing.  They played a game in which they pretended they had a house under the branches of an apple tree.

Enjoying the barrel ride!

Some more cute pictures from the Zoo

I finally pulled a few more pictures from our many trips to the Columbus Zoo from my phone.  Here are some additions that didn't make my last post about our zoo adventures.  Our zoo has many sculptures of animals that kids can climb on, which Eliana and William love!  Sometimes those are better than the real animals, in their opinion. 

A trip early in the spring with Grandmama Bond.  Climbing on the rhino statue.

Before William could walk, he had to ride the carousal on the bench seat.  He liked it, but not nearly as much as he does now that he can ride on the horses!

This was a special trip to the zoo with just Eliana and me.  We went while David was at home with a napping William.  It was really neat to have this special mommy/daughter time.  This is a shark statue.

Another trip, this time with the whole family.  William loves the aquarium!

A more recent trip earlier this fall.  Climbing the moose statue.  William often wishes he could get up as high as his big sister.

Playing in the airplane by the lion exhibit.  It is hard to get these kids out of the plane to see other things at the zoo!

Inniswoods Gardens

While David and I both had to work the weekend before Labor Day, we actually both had Labor Day itself off.  So we took the kids to a metro garden called Inniswoods.  The gardens are beautiful, with lots of paved paths throughout the gardens and surrounding woods.  Perfect for a little stroller ride.  Eliana started out the trip mad that we were going to visit gardens instead of a playground.  She pouted the entire time we walked through the woods and meadow.  However, after our picnic lunch, we made it to the "Sisters Garden" (they have about 10 different gardens, each with its own name).  This particular garden was geared towards kids.  Inside was a maze, a big birds nest themed bridge, a treehouse, and a "secret garden."  Once we got here, Eliana didn't want to leave.  William enjoyed the trip too, especially the treehouse.  He was just disappointed that he could not climb up as high as Eliana.  Despite our rocky start, we had a great time.  I really liked looking at all of the different planters and gardens, especially the herb garden.  They labeled many plants, which was nice so I could learn their names and picture planting them in my own garden one day. 

The first part of our walk through the trees.  William wished he could walk instead of ride in the stroller.

 At the tree house.  There was a small door on the bottom, perfect for William to check out.  He couldn't quite make it up to the top like Eliana to be in the big house.

David and William in the secret garden.

Several fountains were located within the garden.  It was really beautiful.

With my children.  Eliana was so funny - since it was a secret garden, she insisted on hiding any time someone else came to the garden.  We spent lots of time ducking behind brick walls so that no one could find us.

Columbus Zoo

For Christmas, my parents gave us a membership to the Columbus Zoo.  We have been making great use of the membership and going frequently all summer long.  In fact, Eliana went to ZooKids day camp in June, where she got to learn about "how animals get around" (they had a theme each week - hopping, flying, swimming, etc), have special animal visitors, and explore the zoo with leaders.  I need to scan in her camp photo.  It is quite funny.  The leaders said it was one of the worst they had ever taken, haha.  We go on a fairly regular basis to the zoo.  With a membership, it is nice because we can go for just a couple of hours and not worry about seeing everything.  Eliana's favorite animal is the elephant, so we usually start out there.  William really likes the aquarium and will scoot all along the window watching the fish swim by.  The way we usually end the trip is with a favorite of all - a ride on the historic carousel.  Here are some pictures from a recent trip with friends.

Checking out the manatees.  Columbus zoo is actually a rescue center for manatees.  They are given injured or sick manatees, rehabilitate them, and then hopefully release them back into the wild.

Checking out the gorilla exhibit.

The gorillas came right up to the window!  With Adele and her mom Holly.

On the carousel.  William loves it!

No trip is complete without a ride on those horses.

William

Our little boy is growing up so much.  He is my big cuddler, with a quick, easy smile that melts my heart.  He brings such joy to our family that I can't even describe it.  For example, today at breakfast he was just giggling away while he ate his muffin.  He would bring the muffin to his mouth, kiss it, then beam at me with his big toothy grin and start to laugh.  I couldn't help but laugh along with him.  He probably understands Spanish just as well as English, and will give you the biggest kiss on the cheek when you say "Besito" (little kiss).  He also says "Afuera!" (outside) all day long while pointing at the window.  He can be quite opinionated at times and will whine loudly if you don't do what he wants (like changing his diaper first thing in the morning instead of feeding him right away).  His whining drives David crazy, but for some reason I have a soft spot in my heart for my little baby boy, so he gets away with a lot.  His favorite activities are playing ball, taking things out and putting things into containers, reading his dinosaur book (thanks Uncle Michael!) and his construction books, and playing in the sandbox.  He crawls quite quickly, but loves to walk holding on to your hand or the furniture.  He has taken a few steps but usually just plops down on the floor and cries if you let go of his hand.  However, even though he can't quite walk, he loves to climb!  He will race up the stairs (which scares me) or the steps at the playground.  He loves to climb on his stroller and one day I found him dangling from the handle bar crying out for help.  How does my nonwalker climb up there?

We recently found out that William has a milk intolerance.  For about a month, William had diarrhea and his eczema was much much worse.  This happen to coincide with when we were starting to switch over to cow's milk.  So the pediatrician recommended cutting out milk from his diet.  Within a week, William's diapers were back to normal and his eczema was nearly gone.  First went whole milk, and now we have had to also cut out cheese.  It is quite hard finding food to prepare for the family since cheese is a staple in Eliana's diet.  Almost all food is better accepted by her if it is covered in a layer of cheese.  I have offered William almond milk, which he is starting to like better.  Hopefully this is something he will grow out of.

Here are some pictures of my little boy from this summer.

Visiting my friend Morgan with her daughter Caroline.  While we were playing outside a little lost kitten wandered over to play.  The kids all loved her!  William was much more interested in her than this picture shows.  Don't worry, Morgan found a home for the lost kitty a couple of days later.

Crawling around the splash pad in Powell.

We got tired of the splash pad and had a little picnic in the grass.  Eliana and her friends rad around the field playing with sticks and leaves.  And William climbed up and down this hill.  See, isn't he crazy?  Why does he do this but not walk??

Eating cream of wheat.  I don't know why I find high chair picture so adorable, but I probably have a million in my phone of William eating an assortment of foods.

So much for eating the food...

Playing on the tractor at my grandparents farm.  Look at those overalls!  The cuteness!