Thoughts on Miscarriage

These might be a bit rambling and not in any particular order, but this is what has been on my mind the last few weeks.

I have been familiar with the following bible verse for most of my life, but it has taken on greater meaning for me since the miscarriage:

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you." Jeremiah 1:5

I have struggled with the fact that our baby died at such an early age that I could never see her body, I never held her, I could not bury her.  Did she really exist if she was never seen?  I find this bible verse so comforting because I know that God did create her.  He knew her before I even knew I was pregnant.  She doesn't have to have a body to be perfect in God's eyes.  She is formed and perfect in Heaven.  He consecrated her little life before He even placed her in my womb.  The length of her life doesn't matter.  What matters is that she was a child of God, known and loved by Him.  Even if she will never be known by many of the people in the world, that doesn't mean she is any less important.  She means just as much to God as my other living children, as all of His children.  And I have just as much of a right to grieve for her as I would over the death of one of my other children.

Another bible verse that has brought me comfort:

"For this child I have prayed; and the Lord has granted me my petition which I made to Him.  Therefore I have lent him to the Lord; as long as he lives, he is lent to the Lord." 1 Samuel 1:27-28

I must continually remember that my children are not really mine.  Truly, they belong to God.  I have prayed for my children and God has heard my prayer.  He has given them to me to care for, to bless my life and for me to bless them and lead them back to Him.  But God is the author and creator of their lives.  They are HIS, and I must be willing to give them back to Him when that time comes.

David and I have both talked about the void we feel in our lives.  Everywhere I look, I feel the baby that I am missing.  I feel like my family is incomplete now, and it will never really be whole again.  David and I could have ten more children, and I will still know the loss that is there.  A few weeks ago we babysat my brother Michael's daughter Claire.  William kept running up to her and patting her, saying "Baby!"  He brought her pacifier to me when she was crying. Eliana helped me warm up her bottle and asked if she could hold Claire.  While I loved seeing them love their cousin, I couldn't help but mourn the sibling they will never have a chance to do this with. I love Claire and truly enjoyed spending time with her.  This is something that will just have to get easier with time.

As I have gone through this, I have found out how common miscarriage really is.  Even in the short time since this has happened, several people have come to me to say that they have had a miscarriage too or that someone they know has had one.  I had no idea.  For the most part, miscarriage is not something that people talk about.  You never know who around you is suffering.  When I went back to work after the miscarriage, it felt slightly surreal.  I felt like my whole life had changed, this big event had just happened in my life, but almost none of the people around me knew that anything was different.  And I started to look around at the women I was working with and wondered, how many of them have had a miscarriage too?  And beyond that, how many of them are suffering some pain or heartache that I have no idea about?  That made me think more carefully about the words I used with those around me and how I treated them and all those I come in contact with.  I want to be a more compassionate person.