Advent

Here are just a few pictures from Advent last month.  I struggle a little bit with Christmas because it is so commercial in our culture.  I want the focus to be on Jesus' birth and not Santa/gifts.  However, I too spend a lot of time thinking about gifts and shopping and stress out in the weeks leading up to Christmas.  This is something I want to continue to work on.  As I read recently in our Catholic newspaper, the good thing about Christmas is that is comes every year so I have another chance to make it better this year.

Someone's been playing with the nativity set.  I don't put baby Jesus in the nativity until Christmas, so Eliana decided to help me out.

Note who has come to join the nativity this day - Jack the bunny and Eliana's horses.  Lots of toys got to join in the fun in the weeks leading up to Christmas.

Decorating our little tree.  It was just the right size for our kids.

Making Christmas cookies.  This was a new tradition started for us this year by the request of David.  On the day I decided to make the cookies, our oven went on the fritz, so the cookies didn't cook quite right.  However, we still managed to eat them all.  Eliana helped me make them.  William just helped eat them.

Wild Lights at the zoo.

Columbus Zoo has quite a display of Christmas lights each year.  The kids were much more into the animals and animal statues than the actual lights, but that is probably a good thing.

Winter activities

It has been such a mild winter so far, that we have spent a fair amount of time outdoors. 

A trip to the park.  William wanted to bring his dinosaur along.

All bundled up, but it is hard to get William to keep on his hat or gloves.

See - no more hat for William.  But I think it was at least 45 degrees that day.

 On the days that it is not warm enough to go outside, we find other things to do like go to COSI.  William is really starting to enjoy the museum.  It is fun watching him play and discover new things, just like Eliana did a couple years ago.  They recently updated the kids' space at COSI to change the play house to a "tree" house with nature decoration.  Eliana loves it!  Plus she was excited to see something different.  We spent a lot of time pretending to be squirrels and gathering "nuts" (plastic balls) by putting them in the tree house.  Eliana also named all of the birds on the wall.  When another child would check out the birds, Eliana would run up and tell them their names. 

Selfie through the window viewer.  William thought this was a great toy.  It has two steps up to look through the holes to see out the window.  He spent a lot of time going up and down, and up and down the stairs.

The ever popular ride on the saddle.

Driving the car - one of William's favorites.  Eliana was working the radio.

No, maybe this is William's favorite part - the light switch!  Boy, those designers at COSI know just what kids will like! They also have a doorbell on the outside of the house.  What child doesn't love switching lights on and off and ringing door bells. 

Pictures of William made me think of this funny story of him.  Will has been saying a lot of new words lately, both in English and in Spanish although not always pronounced correctly.  The one that makes me laugh the hardest though is how he says fork.  He pronounces it with a "u" sound and no "r" - like "fuk."  If you set down a plate of food in front of him, he asks for a "fuk" and will wave it excitedly when you give it to him.  A couple of days ago, David came home while we were eating dinner.  William greeted him from his high chair by waving his fork at him and saying "FUK!"  What a greeting!  Welcome home Dad! We both busted up laughing.

Eliana's 4th Birthday

Can you believe my little baby is a big four year old!  Eliana is growing up so fast!

Unfortunately I had to work on Eliana's birthday.  I think I was so concerned about working out my schedule for Christmas, that I wasn't paying any attention to January.  Eliana asked me several times if I could not work on her birthday, which really made me feel guilty.  However, I know she had a great day even though I was only there for the very end of it.  David was home from work by 2:30, so they spent the afternoon playing and decorating her chocolate birthday cake that I had made the night before.  Eliana helped with the chocolate icing, chocolate sprinkles, and requested an "E" and "W" written on the cake with the purple icing gel.  Isn't she so sweet?!  She wanted her birthday cake to be for William too.  And for his part, William has been singing "Feliz Cumpleanos" for days now. 

When I got home from work, Eliana was very excited to tell me about her cake and sprinkles.  She said that they saved me a piece, but "just one!"  David waited to give her her birthday present until I came home.  Eliana is in a really sweet age right now where she totally didn't expect a present but was so joyful to receive one.  We gave her an ice cream scooping set since one of the only things that compares with her love of chocolate is her love of ice cream.  I let Eliana stay up an extra 30 min after bedtime to play with her new toy since I got home so late.  We played together in her room where she served me the ice cream through the window of her cardboard box play house, like it was a drive through window!  When I finally said she had to go to bed, I did let her take the ice cream to bed with her, and I heard her playing with it for another 15 min in the dark after she had been tucked in.  I think she really enjoyed her 4th birthday!

The ice cream scoops stick together with magnets.

David has repeatedly told me that age 4 is the golden age - all of our problems with raising out little girl will be solved at age 4 when Eliana will be old enough to start to reason and understand things better.  One example of this is going to mass together.  Eliana has always been difficult to bring to church - she cries, throws herself on the floor, and tries to run away.  For the past couple of years, we have bee having her go to the nursery at our church instead of attending mass with us.  That has been a great way for David and me to be able to participate more fully in mass, but I do feel a little sad that we aren't all going ot mass together as a family.  Plus I always said that the nursery was a temporary solution and I was worried it would just make Eliana resent mass even more when she had to attend.  David kept insisting that Eliana would do better at mass once she was 4 - the golden age!  For Christmas, I bought Eliana a book about the mass.  It explained the parts of the mass step by step with lots of pictures and questions.  I like that particular book because of the questions - it made learning about the mass more interactive.  ("What is the name of your church?  What color is the priest's vestment? Can you find the tabernacle in your church?).

Eliana has been really interested in the book! We read it together and she was excited to answer the questions.  The last two times we have been to mass, we have brought the book and followed along with the pictures.  I will find a picture and tell her to watch for this to happen next, like the priest washing his hands.  Eliana will whisper (shout) in my ear when she sees it and excitedly point at the picture.  It seems like giving her tasks to do and a way to follow along with the mass has really helped.  These last two weeks have been the best experiences we have probably ever had with Eliana at church.  Perhaps David is right - age 4 is the best.  I don't know if this will keep working or if some of the novelty will wear off, but I am so proud of Eliana.  I have been praying fervently that Eliana will develop a love of the mass and will one day be excited to go instead of required.  If you have any ideas on how to help Eliana to love and understand the mass more, I would love to hear them. 

Haircuts by Mommy

Boys need to get their hair cut a lot!  I feel like just a few weeks after a haircut, William needs one again.  Going to Cookie Cutters once a month can get expensive, so for Christmas, I asked for a pair of hair cutting scissors.  Yesterday was my first attempt at cutting his hair.  I actually had William sit in my lap while I cut his hair, so he was very calm.  For my first attempt and cutting his hair at such an awkward angle, I think it didn't turn out too bad.  The ears are definitely the hardest park.  Luckily my client isn't too harsh of a critic.  I think I will take him back to Cookie Cutters next time to straighten things up, then do it myself again.  Maybe William will get better at sitting still and I will get better at cutting.

The good side.  Don't look at his other ear.  On the plus side, I managed not to cut his ear!

Bonus Pictures:

Selfie after David's work holiday party.

With my favorite girl

 And bonus funny story: Around 100 people attended David's work holiday party at a local restaurant near our house.  The next few days approxiamtely 50 people came down with gastroenteritis (Thank you God, none of our family).  As chief, it is David's job to make sure all services run by the residents are covered, so he has to deal with sick calls.  He said it was an absolute nightmare trying to get all of the most important services covered with so many ill calls.  After an investigation by the department of health, it was determined that doctors just aren't very good at washing their hands (ewww).  I bet the hospital regretted hosted that party.

Then here is a picture of Eliana showing off the house she and I made together with her new Lincoln Logs.  She called it the chair house, because the front porch looks like a chair. Old fashioned Christmas fun!

Past fall photos

I had a hard time posting to the blog last month, so I wanted to catch up a little.  Here are a few photos from the past month or two before we get too far into the holidays.

We went to a garden store with a pumpkin patch before Halloween.  It was a lot of fun and especially nice because it was indoors and not cold.  We met up with several of our friends and spent the morning running around the hay maze, the haunted maze (which Eliana surprisingly loved), the petting zoo, and everything in between.

There was a large bin full of dirt which kids could dig in to find buried bones.  William really like that!

The "Monster Rocker"

It was a little hard getting a "how tall this fall" picture - Eliana was trying to pull Adele into the picture while William was trying to crawl away.

All the big kids holding the little kids on the Monster Rocker.  Such good friends!

Just a picture of a handsome boy and his mama

 One weekend in October, I took the kids to visit my family farm.  Both of them like running around at the farm.  William especially likes the tractors and Eliana likes playing with the old farm toys and dolls inside the house.  Both kids like the cows.  William will run around saying "Mooo!" anytime he catches a glimpse of one.

Riding the tractor.

Walking down the lane to put up the flag at the bottom of the driveway.  Eliana is on the left with cousins Allie and Rita.

On top of a hay bale.

William and Nicolas checking out the cows.

A little boy on the farm in his overalls.  This might be the cutest thing ever.

Although this is pretty darn cute too.

A nice fall day

So life has been moving on.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about the baby I lost.  But at the same time I rejoice in seeing my other two little ones grow and learn each day.  Last night David and I stayed up past midnight just talking about how cute our kids are.  How Eliana says the craziest things.  How she is sooo tall.  How adorable it is when William turns his head to the side and smiles his endearing smile.  How he likes to play "night-night" by putting his head down on anything soft, closing his eyes pretending to sleep, and saying "Night Night!" then popping up and laughing. Are all parents as crazy about their kids as we are?  Seriously, who loses sleep at night because they just want to talk about their kids' cute antics?!

It is strange when things about the baby pop up.  I'll be doing crunches at the gym, and think how I shouldn't have to be doing those right now.  I'll pass the wine section in the grocery store, and I'll want to buy a hundred bottles, just because I can drink now.  I'll be shopping for new shoes for Eliana, and I will inevitably see shoes in newborn size and wish I had a reason to buy them.  A baby died in the NICU where I work recently, and I cried at work for almost an hour.  Every time I thought I was fine, I would just start crying again.  Death happens in the NICU, although luckily rarely, but I have never taken it this hard before.

The pangs of grief hit every day, but they have slowly become easier to deal with. 

And my two little blessings help me move forward, because they need me every day.  So here is what we did today.

Although it was a little wet and cold, the kids were really going crazy inside.  Eliana kept tackling William and would not leave him alone.  Finally I just threw their coats on and ran out the door.  I asked Eliana where she wanted to go and she voted for the river.  So to the river we went!  We walked down the hill to the river and then along the river's edge, throwing in sticks to watch them float.  Then the kids discovered this:

The pier had been pulled out of the water, which they found great to run on!

And the best part - the sun came out while we were running around outside.

 I had spent a good part of the morning thinking of where we could go to play -the library, paying to play at an indoor play place or trampoline jump place, etc.  But even in the cold fall morning in Ohio, we can still enjoy being outside.  They just loved exploring nature - checking out sticks and shells by the river and playing hide-and-seek by the pier in the parking lot.  How easy is that?

In the afternoon while William was napping, Eliana and I did a little Christmas project.  We made cinnamon ornaments, which I remember making as a kid.  We had a great time!  I couldn't believe it when William woke up and I realized that two hours had passed without even noticing it.  

 Here is how to make cinnamon ornaments:

Mix together:

• 3/4cup applesauce
• 1cup cinnamon
• 2 Tbsp other spices (nutmeg, allspice, cloves, more cinnamon if you prefer)
• 2 Tbsp glue

Mold and form into a ball.  If it is too wet, add cinnamon.  If it is too dry, add applesauce.  Ours was just right following the recipe as closely as a three year old can measure.  Roll dough out flat between two pieces of parchment paper.   Use cookie cutter to cut out ornaments.  Use a straw to punch a hole at the top of each.  Bake on a parchment paper lined baking sheet in a 200 degree oven for two hours, until dry and hard.

The only downside to this was William thought they were cookies (Eliana was also taunting him with them...) and cried because we wouldn't let him eat them.  Eliana kept saying, "William, they have GLLLUUUUUE in them!" and then laughing.  I admit though, they smelled so good I almost wanted to eat them!

Thoughts on Miscarriage

These might be a bit rambling and not in any particular order, but this is what has been on my mind the last few weeks.

I have been familiar with the following bible verse for most of my life, but it has taken on greater meaning for me since the miscarriage:

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you." Jeremiah 1:5

I have struggled with the fact that our baby died at such an early age that I could never see her body, I never held her, I could not bury her.  Did she really exist if she was never seen?  I find this bible verse so comforting because I know that God did create her.  He knew her before I even knew I was pregnant.  She doesn't have to have a body to be perfect in God's eyes.  She is formed and perfect in Heaven.  He consecrated her little life before He even placed her in my womb.  The length of her life doesn't matter.  What matters is that she was a child of God, known and loved by Him.  Even if she will never be known by many of the people in the world, that doesn't mean she is any less important.  She means just as much to God as my other living children, as all of His children.  And I have just as much of a right to grieve for her as I would over the death of one of my other children.

Another bible verse that has brought me comfort:

"For this child I have prayed; and the Lord has granted me my petition which I made to Him.  Therefore I have lent him to the Lord; as long as he lives, he is lent to the Lord." 1 Samuel 1:27-28

I must continually remember that my children are not really mine.  Truly, they belong to God.  I have prayed for my children and God has heard my prayer.  He has given them to me to care for, to bless my life and for me to bless them and lead them back to Him.  But God is the author and creator of their lives.  They are HIS, and I must be willing to give them back to Him when that time comes.

David and I have both talked about the void we feel in our lives.  Everywhere I look, I feel the baby that I am missing.  I feel like my family is incomplete now, and it will never really be whole again.  David and I could have ten more children, and I will still know the loss that is there.  A few weeks ago we babysat my brother Michael's daughter Claire.  William kept running up to her and patting her, saying "Baby!"  He brought her pacifier to me when she was crying. Eliana helped me warm up her bottle and asked if she could hold Claire.  While I loved seeing them love their cousin, I couldn't help but mourn the sibling they will never have a chance to do this with. I love Claire and truly enjoyed spending time with her.  This is something that will just have to get easier with time.

As I have gone through this, I have found out how common miscarriage really is.  Even in the short time since this has happened, several people have come to me to say that they have had a miscarriage too or that someone they know has had one.  I had no idea.  For the most part, miscarriage is not something that people talk about.  You never know who around you is suffering.  When I went back to work after the miscarriage, it felt slightly surreal.  I felt like my whole life had changed, this big event had just happened in my life, but almost none of the people around me knew that anything was different.  And I started to look around at the women I was working with and wondered, how many of them have had a miscarriage too?  And beyond that, how many of them are suffering some pain or heartache that I have no idea about?  That made me think more carefully about the words I used with those around me and how I treated them and all those I come in contact with.  I want to be a more compassionate person.